Forget Mother’s Day!

I have an honest confession to make

Usually on Mother’s Day

I try to pretend like it’s just another day

My Mom and I have always had somewhat of a rocky relationship

I won’t really go into the reasons why

I’ll save that maybe for a diary entry

I’ll just say that she is basically the black version of Ray’s Mom on Everybody Loves Raymond and many times we have not seen eye to eye

There are also several suppressed emotions that have bothered me over the years

I became more aware of these negative feelings during my freshman year of college as my future ex-wife who I was dating at the time began pointing more and more of my Mom’s manipulative and cunning ways out

I had become oblivious and desensitized to them just like my Pop

But rather than deal with them

I have been passive aggressive

Even though my current counselor says there is no such thing

Either you are aggressive or not aggressive

Some of us are just more covert special ops about releasing this aggression

Others are more direct similar to Donald John Trump

Like all those years when I did not get my Mom a gift or even call

I would replay this tape in my mind of bad memories reinforcing my selfish vindictive behavior

To some people they would probably think I was crazy if I began to explain further

Most people are thankful just to have a mother

I mean I could have grown up in a foster home

All those years of listening to her brag about the flowers she received from my brother

Her favorite child

All parents are guilty of this even me

She’s not even discrete about it

I saw the screen saver LOL

I had to hear about those damn flowers the few times I did manage to make that call

My grandma does the same thing

I still love them both

I’ve always hated Mother’s Day

Not because it’s another Hallmark Holiday

But because of those bad memories I’m always forced to recall

For a long time I’ve associated so many negative feelings with my Mother

Recently I watched the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

It’s a great movie that I highly recommend

You can watch it for free here… http://vexmovies.org/eternal-sunshine-of-the-spotless-mind

It made me wonder

If I had the ability to delete bad memories from my mind such as the ones I have of my Mother

Would I

What if I had a completely clean slate about her to build new memories

As if the only thing I knew about her was that she gave birth to me

As I was taping the photo to the Caribbean fruity smelling turquoise colored candle I bought her

The first gift I’ve gotten her in a long time

It felt only right as she is letting me stay with her right now temporarily while attempt to

GET MY SHIT TOGETHER

Something you’re expected by the world to magically do immediately after a very difficult divorce

I forced myself to remember all of the good memories I had of her

It was challenging in the beginning to do this exercise

Eventually I was able to think of more than the times she took me to the Fox theater to see

Herbie Hancock and Wynton Marsalis

Or all the times she has bought me things or saved my azzz in a pinch

It’s tough to do that when those same memories are associated with all those times she kindly reminded you of doing those nice things for you and you start to wish you never accepted those tainted gifts

In the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

The main character Joel is forced to do a similar exercise

His bad and most traumatic thoughts about his mother were darn near erased

Stuffed in the basement of his mind

Which reminds me of Inception

Another great movie I highly recommend

You can also watch it for free here… http://vexmovies.org/inception

One of my favorite scenes that I could relate to is Joel under a kitchen table and feeling invisible

He suddenly recalls how bad that really hurt him and bothered him at the tender age of four

I’ve felt like Joel my entire life

I actually can relate to aspects of Clementine’s character more than Joel’s but I’ll save that for one of my fun poetic movie reviews

My oldest daughter once said to me as a four year old that no one understands her

I know exactly what she was trying to say now

Even then I did not fully get it

I’m sure Katt Williams would just call me a beech azzz ninja that needs to man up

Or to many my Senior I’m sure I come across right now as another whiny complaining millennial

Through all of my recent research on dreaming and how the mind works

I’m realizing that I have experienced a lot of trauma

I’ve noticed that the average person tends to generally downplay their trauma because we compare ours to the trauma of others

Or how badly things could have been as though that makes up for how dysfunctional your childhood actually was growing up and how negatively it’s all affecting you now as an adult because you happily rehearsed this crazy excuse in your head like a broken record

Sigh…

I remember my big bro telling me one time that I should be thankful we had two parents as black men

Plus the roof over our head and the things that they could afford because they both had good jobs

What I’m basically attempting to say in this long azzz rant

Is that I still have lots of emotional conflict on this day

I wrote this two page note to my Mom that listed all of these positive memories I had of her

Then it turned slightly negative and I mentioned my Pop who she is now divorced from

I opted to just give her the candle and not the note

The whole time I was writing the note

I kept thinking that I need to find a way to let my Mom know how I really feel

That somehow expressing my negative emotions of her would improve our relationship

That I could begin to rewrite the bad narrative of her that I had formed in my head over the years

Most of all

I kept thinking of all the regrets I might have after she dies someday

I don’t know

For now

Like the members of A.A. say along with their prayer of Serenity

I can only take things one second

Minute

Hour

Day at a time

Including the fact that Mother’s Day also brings up memories of my ex-wife

Our would be twelfth wedding anniversary only seven days away

Recalling the times we all went out with her Mom for brunch after church on this day

That’s what sucks about having kids with someone

After the breakup or divorce

It’s difficult to erase them from your brain and get over all of the pain

Every single thing in life is constantly reminding you of that person

The kids you made together are like the pictures you tried to tear and burn

But they regenerate every time

Anyway

I will do my best today to remember that this day is about Mom

And not about me

I will most likely try to dodge going with her to church in the morning

After that

I will do my best to make at least one memory together

Or

Alternatively

I’ve also given myself the right for the sake of my own mental health to take baby steps

The Caribbean fruity smelling turquoise colored candle with this photo of us shall suffice

For now LOL

Happy Mother’s Day everyone

 

mothers day candle

 

 

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